Everett entered the Why phase several months ago.

“Am I going to school today? Why?”

“Why are the trees green?”

“Why am I special?”

All good questions, but a bit exhausting at times, and it is surprisingly easy to wander into an unsettling existential discussion with a three year old. Now he has entered the How phase – he has started asking how things work and how they happen. A few days ago we started reading The Night Before Christmas to him at bedtime.

“How does Santa get up the chimney?”

This was followed by a 20 minute discussion with Melissa about Santa’s transportation methods. Everett seemed skeptical but eventually concluded that he wasn’t going to get any better explanation than was in the book, at least until yesterday when Melissa took him to meet Santa.

“Everett, do you want to wear your Christmas vest or your walrus sweater today?”

“I am going to wear my duck costume. Santa will be so excited to see a duck! Does Santa quack?”

In past years Everett has been extremely apprehensive about sitting on Santa’s lap. This year was quite different:

He jumped up, told Santa that he wanted a recycling truck or a cement mixer, and then proceeded to ask about the chimney transportation problem. Santa replied “With a touch of my nose and a nod of my head…”, to which Everett responded with a mixture of awe and wonder.

Christmas has had unintended benefits for Chris and Melissa. In the past we have written about how limited our authority feels at times, and about the need for other figures in Everett’s life who can help shape his behavior. In an act of flagrant parental manipulation we have started telling him that if he doesn’t behave he might be moved from Santa’s Nice list to his Naughty list. Upon hearing this Everett gets wide eyed and is much more cooperative. Not sure what we are going to do after Christmas…

We spent Thanksgiving in Cincinnati with Gabby and Granddaddy. Everett was with them for about a week before Chris and Melissa arrived, so everyone got a lot of quality time without parental supervision. Once everyone was together we engaged in a few annual family traditions. First was eating well on Thanksgiving, which meant turkey with fixings for lunch, dinner, bedtime snack and breakfast the next morning. Second was listening to Chris’ favorite Arlo Guthrie song on Thanksgiving morning, complete with full orchestration and five part harmony. The song is called Alice’s Restaurant, and it’s about Alice, and the restaurant, but Alice’s Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant, that’s just the name of the song, and that’s why he calls the song Alice’s Restaurant. Third was gingerbread houses, a long tradition for Chris that the Barbers have really taken to. Everett has now reached the age where he can anticipate upcoming events, so he had been looking forward to this for some time. He helped Chris make the dough and bake the gingerbread.

We made a house in the spirit of Friday Harbor: a gingerbread family at an oceanfront house, replete with lots of creatures we observed in and around the ocean.

And it turns out that other friends and family members were similarly creative, which allowed us to display our house in a nice neighborhood.

Since then the gingerbread has stayed in our thoughts for a couple reasons. First, it is especially fragrant since we switched to using fresh spices from the Spice House in our neighborhood. Second, we have been listening repeatedly to Cookie Monster recently, especially in the car during the long drive back from Cincinnati, and he sings a song called Gingerbread Man which is now stuck in our heads. In fact I can hear it right now…

While we were in town Everett had his first big boy haircut in a man’s barber shop. That’s right – no frou-frou lotions or “product”, no incense or new age music, no fruity drinks in champagne flutes and nothing made by Aveda. This is a place that still uses straight razors to shave your neck and after your haircut gives you a quick shoulder massage with a device that looks like a car buffer. Cress has gone there for some time, and now Chris goes there when he is in Cincinnati, so it was pretty neat to take Everett there as well. We weren’t sure exactly how this was going to go, but as soon as we walked in Everett jumped in the chair and then sat still the entire time. It most certainly helped that Jack, the barber, has lots of experience cutting hair and is a great-grandfather himself.

Once we returned home we experienced another family tradition: putting up the Christmas tree and decorating it. Everett really got into decorating this year, which resulted in a very high ornament density for the bottom three feet of the tree and virtually nothing above that.

Chris and Melissa later balanced things out and in the process really enjoyed going through our ornaments. One tradition we have while traveling is to buy a Christmas ornament when we go somewhere new. As a result, this time of year we get to relive lots of travel memories while decorating the tree. Here is how it turned out:

And here is a picture of how it looks while wearing my new Holiday Dreams glasses, which turns every light source into candy canes and Christmas stockings.

When I as young I distinctly remember feeling a great sense of injustice that sometimes I had to go to bed when I was not tired. But as a parent I now understand: no one cares if you are tired or not – your parents need a break, so you are going to bed. You don’t have to go to sleep, but you do have to stay in your room and we aren’t going to entertain you any more tonight. This is our feeling about Everett’s bedtime, which has evolved quite a bit over the last year. First, he has learned to procrastinate, and comes up with many creative ways to do so.

“Can I have the iPad?”

“Can I have another story?”

“You forgot to give me some honey.” We give him honey when he has a cough, but he asks for it a lot of the time now.

“You forgot to give me water.”

“You forgot to put the gate up”

“You guys are always forgetting things!”

“I need the hall light on.”

“I need a nightlight”

“I need one more thing” or “Daaaaaaaaaaaaad. I neeeeeeeeed something.” This usually happens after Melissa puts him to bed. I think his reasoning is that once one parent has finished putting him to bed it’s time to repeat the process with the other parent. In an effort to emphasize the finality of bedtime I will resist going to see what he wants. The times that I do go upstairs and ask what he needs he will quickly ask for some random object that is within sight, quickly followed by “Do you want to snuggle with me?” He asks this as if it just occurred to him what a fortuitous series of events have led up to this moment.

Earlier this year we decided to get a new bed for the master bedroom which set off a series furniture moves. We moved the queen bed into the guest room and the full bed from the guest room to Everett’s room. Melissa wasn’t crazy about this idea but was willing to try it for a while, and now acknowledges how nice it is to have a bed that can accommodate the whole family for roughhousing and storytime. Over the summer Everett started sleeping on the bed instead of his crib. When we were in Friday Harbor Everett slept in his own room on a twin mattress that we put on the floor to minimize the impact of rolling out of bed. And after a couple weeks of this he realized that he no longer needed to call us to get him out of bed. So when we returned from Friday Harbor we took apart his crib and put it away and we stopped putting the gate on his door.

The sum of all of these events translates to a big increase in the amount of freedom Everett has after bedtime. It also means that our live-in alarm clock has changed from “Momma, Dada! I’m awaaaaaaaake!” to a stomping sound that starts faintly but gets progressively louder and comes to an abrupt stop next to our bed.

There are many signs of being a parent that I never noticed before becoming one. Diaper bags are easy enough to identify, but how often do you see a grown woman with a purse full of lizards and snakes? Or see a grown man who unknowingly shows up to work with a Cookie Monster sticker on his pants? Chances are they are parents. When iPads first came out we got a couple of them at work and at the time there were no protective cases available, so Chris made one out of a cloth diaper folded in two. Coworkers without children didn’t seem to notice anything unusual, but it caused a lot of laughter from other parents. Today Chris is traveling to (yet another) meeting. On the way through security one of the TSA agents said “Nice bandaid!” after seeing his feet in the scanner.

Dora the Explorer is probably quite a contrast to the beard Chris grew in Friday Harbor. And it turns out that the beard coincided with deer season in Wisconsin, so several colleagues have been asking Chris if he is planning a hunting trip.

Lastly, I never anticipated what a bonding experience parenting would be. The time we were at the smelt fry in Sheboygan was a prominent example: Everett started choking on a smelt and within seconds there were several other parents around us, none of whom we knew, but nonetheless they were providing plates, napkins and trash cans to clean up the ensuing mess. It has also changed our feelings about travel. In the past when we saw a parent with a screaming child we thought “that poor child”, but now most sympathy is directed toward the parent.

This is a talking stick:

The talking stick came into our lives because of the three people in our family, two of them were having trouble getting enough air time during dinner and were talking over each other. Initially this caused some tension about whose turn it was to talk, and eventually led to the introduction of the talking stick with the idea that the stick gets passed around the table and whoever is holding it gets to speak. We tried this one night recently with moderate success – eventually we got into a rhythm of talking, talking, quiet, talking, talking, quiet, depending on who was holding the stick. One thing we have mentioned from time to time is about how Everett, like other children his age, comes up with innovative solutions to problems. So the next night when we sat down for dinner Everett went around the table and handed everyone their own talking stick. Problem solved.

For a few days we have been talking to Everett about going trick or treating. Halloween this year is on a Monday, the City of Wauwatosa decided to have trick or treating on Sunday, and our neighborhood decided to have it on Saturday. If this makes sense to you then you might have a future in city government. Many of our readers remember that Everett was a duck for Halloween last year. Perhaps because of this, or his daily contact with ducks during bike rides to school, he wanted to be a duck this year as well. Melissa was able to find a Peeps costume for him to try on, and it was an immediate hit. In fact it was such a hit that he wore it the entire day, first to the dentist during his teeth cleaning and exam,

then the pancake house and then the pediatrician for his flu shot. Wearing it was accompanied by singing popular songs such as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star using only the word quack.

We returned from Friday Harbor last Sunday evening and by Wednesday one of us was traveling again: Melissa is attending the NSGC Conference over a long weekend. In the meantime, Chris is watching Everett. Tonight we went trick or treating on our neighborhood. Everett put on his duck costume followed by green claw slippers on his feet (they are Star Wars “Clone Wars” slippers – soon it might be time for Melissa to sit him down for The Talk) and duck slippers on his hands, and then announced that he was a duck monster. Apparently one characteristic of duck monsters is that they never stop moving. As a result of this and the fact that Chris was flying solo tonight it was quite difficult to get any good photographs of him. This is what Chris was able to pull off:

We went to most of the houses on Kavanaugh and for some reason Everett decided he was not going to speak to anyone tonight. As a result, a lot of people were cooing about how shy and quiet he must be. Seriously? The kid does not stop talking from the time he wakes up until well past his bedtime. After trick or treating we sat in the entryway and waited for trick or treaters to come by our house. Everett seemed to enjoy this quite a bit along with seeing his breath in the cold air (temperature tonight is in the 30s).

Two things are noteworthy since we returned from Friday Harbor. First, our readers may recall that picking up walnuts in the backyard was Everett’s first chore. In the time we were gone this seems to have gotten away from us. The photo below shows significantly less than half the walnuts in our yard – the only way for him to catch up is probably to start using a snow shovel.

Second, for some time now Chris has been putting dangerous objects like knives on the kitchen counters to keep them away from Everett. Last night he was surprised to observe that Everett can stand on his toes and see over the kitchen counter. Even worse, things he can’t reach from the floor can be acquired by finding something to stand on such as the US Mail crate that was used to deliver our held mail the day we returned. So Chris switched to the top of the refrigerator to keep things out of reach. Not sure what we will do once Everett starts reading this blog.

Treasures

To Everett a significant portion of the world is made up of treasures or containers to hold them. During our four weeks in Friday Harbor he assembled quite a collection.

And by the time we finished cleaning the apartment we found many more treasures that didn’t make it into the picture. One thing in particular was a rubber spatula that Everett calls “my chewy”. A few weeks ago he has started chewing on his shirts. When we discouraged this behavior he was honest with us (“Ok, I will try not to, but I’m not sure if I can.”) and reflective (“I don’t know why I am always chewing on my shirt.”). We gave him the spatula as an alternative, which he kept it in the fort that Chris built next to his bed so he could chew on it during the night instead of his pajamas.

Stroller

This is the first trip where we didn’t bring the stroller. Everett has reached the age where it is helpful but not required, so we decided to try without it. For the most part it went really well – he only asked for it once in four weeks. Could we have done more with the stroller? Maybe, but still not as much as we wanted to do. We never did go kayaking or even venture very far on the rowboat. We didn’t see any orcas on this trip. One adjustment Chris has yet to make is to realize he needs to scale back his expectations of the length and frequency of adventures with a three year old, even one who is a great traveler. And one adjustment Chris and Melissa both need to make is to pack less stuff on trips. In fact, for our next trip we agreed on the following exercise: each of us gets one small bag that must hold everything we need.

Fears

One thing Everett is fearful of is toilets that flush automatically. We think the major issues are the noise and the unpredictable timing of the flushes. As a result, his first choice is the bathroom at home, second choice is to go outside and last choice is bathrooms away from home. For the last month we have been doing the second option a lot, but while traveling the third option is inevitable, and at these times he asks “Is this safe?”, meaning is it a manual flushing toilet? If it’s automatic then he wants us to hold a hand over the sensor. This is quite a challenge while simultaneously wrangling a three year old in a space made for one person, and trying to touch as few surfaces as possible. Often in this situation he will look us in the eyes and say “I love you.” It’s touching, but also hard not to laugh given the circumstances.

Discipline

Our primary discipline method with Everett has been timeouts, which are usually preceded by Mom or Dad counting to three. As he has grown older these have become more symbolic than anything because we can’t force him to stay in one spot, so at this point we will just sit him down wherever we are and tell him he is in timeout, which he intensely dislikes. He has tried an evolving set of methods to avoid them. He started by saying “Stop counting!” or “No, stop talking” when we were counting to three. When Gabby tried counting during a recent trip to her and Grandaddy’s house Everett said “Mommy doesn’t count,” which obviously isn’t true. Now he interrupts us with “Let me tell you something…”. In this regard it is interesting to observe how children find innovative solutions to problems. Another example is that we recently put a digital clock in his room, and in an effort to increase parental sleep we taught him to read it and told him he couldn’t call us or get up until it said 7:00. His solution is to wake up when he feels ready and change the time to 7:00, which is technically what we asked for.

Art

The night after we returned from Friday Harbor Everett made the following painting which he entitled High Tide. Perhaps this trip will have lasting memories for him?

To close this blog entry, here’s a video of a sea urchin waving goodbye with all 500 arms.

Saturday was our last day in Friday Harbor. We made one last visit to the beach and then went to the farmer’s market to say goodbye to Kathy and to thank her for her help during the trip. Next we made a final attempt to see Popeye the seal. Note: there is a law that prohibits people from feeding marine mammals. If you are someone who enforces this law then please stop reading now. Melissa saw Popeye by chance during one of her visits to the Friday Harbor Seafood Market, and Chris had seen her (Popeye is a girl) when he went to pickup Cress, but Everett still had not met her despite several visits to the dock over the last week. We arrived at the Fish Market about 10:30 and didn’t see her but walked around the dock for a while, looking at boats and anemones. We were walking back toward land and were about to leave when Popeye started swimming beside us. Then she swam under the dock to her appointed spot where she has been coming the last 15 years for snacks and socializing.

She doesn’t vocalize (that we heard), but instead pops her head up and starts splashing water on the dock. Brenda at the Fish Market was kind enough to give Everett some pieces of fish to feed her.

Everett will not stop talking about it. “I fed a wild seal! She had whiskers and I blew her a kiss and she smiled at me!” It was fantastic. This experience may muddy the waters a little bit with regard to rules, much in the same way as picking blackberries. Everett is a gatherer, and for some time we have been telling him not to eat the berries he picks up off the ground. During this trip he learned that blackberries are an exception to this rule. He also learned that he may not feed wild animals, except Popeye. This will likely come back to bite us later because he is already coming up with carefully reasoned answers on why he doesn’t have to obey us. “Let me tell you something…” has become a common phrase, followed by a long explanation that is impossible to overcome using parental logic.

After Popeye we went to the Whale Museum and then returned home for lunch. Saturday afternoon was spent napping (Everett), packing and cleaning (Mom and Dad). Finally we dropped off some treasures we had borrowed from the dining hall, said goodbye to the creatures on the dock and got on the 4:15 ferry to see our last island sunset.

We had fish and crabs for dinner at the Rock Fish Grill in Anacortes and then drove to Seatac for our flight the next morning. That evening Everett said two remarkable things. First, he asked if we were going to the same hotel we stayed in during our trip to the island because he wanted to see if the paper was frozen (he was referring to the phone book he put in the freezer in our room). Then, as we drove through Seattle, he asked if the roads were closed for the president (during our trip north the interstate and all roads into Seattle were closed for President Obama’s visit). It is remarkable to us that he remembers both of these things from four weeks ago. It is also gratifying that he has started conducting his own experiments (“does paper freeze?”). In fact, saying “I’m doing an experiment!” is one of the ways he admonishes us when we are trying to get him to do things on our schedule instead of his.

The trip is starting to wind down. Melissa and Chris have both had thoughts that despite how beautiful it is here, it will be nice to be home again as well. Chris has a couple of grant applications due and working on them has been are reminder of some of the urgent things that are awaiting us when we return. Yesterday there was a going away party for Everett at Alphabet Soup, which was done a little early so that his teacher Jamie could attend (she will be gone Thursday and Friday).

We are starting to plan the final activities we want to do before leaving including the Whale Museum and seeing if we can meet Popeye the seal at the marina. We haven’t yet seen an orca but are still hopeful.

Here are a few final creatures from the dock, including some neat nighttime footage of a crab eating, a pair of nudibranchs side by side (Dirona pellucida and Hermissenda crassicornis) and our first sighting of a Diaulula sandiegensis.

On Sunday we slept until around 8 and had breakfast while Everett told us a story about Ellie the shrimp. Soon afterward we headed to the beach to look for creatures. Later we tried to go for a hike north along the shore, but Everett wasn’t feeling up to it so Cress and Melissa went while Chris and Everett had some playtime in the dining hall. Lunch, nap and then off to False Bay so that Everett could show Granddaddy the muck at low tide!

Everett has been looking forward to this for days, and thanks to the new boots that Cress bought he didn’t even have to get his feet wet. That evening we returned to Downriggers for dinner and then called it an early night. Monday morning we were at the dock by 8:30am for Cress’ flight to Seatac to return home. It was a very full visit! Note to our fan base: here is the much awaited video blog entry from Everett.